strange time in my life

I fell out of bed.

No, that's wrong. It felt like I'd fallen out of bed.
The springs aren't working like they used to and they stick out of the sides of the mattress.
I could feel the lip of them as I tumbled.
It dug into me.

This came after those vivid images of your phone next to my phone on a table in my sleep
and you receiving messages from someone I didn't know
messages I didn't want to see and messages you didn't want me to see.

I could write this in a letter to you but what good would that do.

I thought about Sappho this morning when she says

'I don't know what to do - I'm torn in two'

and

'I desire and yearn [for you]'

but I had already fallen out of the bed,
there was nothing for me to do.

Sometimes I imagine words you've said before
and the way you pronounce them
and it makes me feel strange inside my chest.
And for a moment it all makes sense
and you and I make sense
but then comes the dread,
pulling back the wave from where it got to,
the current far too strong.

Do I sit this one out?

Or continue to fall -

out of bed, into bed, out of you, into you?

I don't know what to do.