behaviour

so yeah, putting things into language, making them real. this is relevant in relation to my new obsession (of the week), peacocking. to be vague, maybe my theories are not real because i haven't actually told anyone why i am peacocking or who i am peacocking for. but it still gets me going.

soooo. i'm talking to X, and we're having a conversation about, i dunno, a mutual friend who is going deaf or something (and it's funny because we're bitching about her and she's standing 2 meters away, and i say "she can hear" and X says "no she can't, she's a bit deaf") so i, obviously, roar with laughter, and i don't mean "ha ha ha" i mean "heeeee,hoooooohaaaa" sort of thing (you know, like a dinosaur), making EVERYONE look at me, obviously (in an echoey building) and obviously person Z looks, which was the aim of the game, because, let's be honest (lezzzbe honest?) the only reason i was laughing so uproariously was because i wanted Z to see me, to remember my existance, to move their eyes from their book or whatever it is they are doing (notice me, notice me), if only for a second.

anyway, this sort of thing fascinates me, becoming a caricature of yourself, being a foreigner, reeling someone in (really?) to like something that isn't even you, not that you're sure you even like them and if you want them to like you because obviously we're both still totally obsessed with A and B.

just some thoughts. too tired to make sense.

photo by camilla bishti