Thursday, 29 November 2018

by the time I've cycled half the way to work it's light enough to not need my bike lights,
but they stay on for the whole time.
There are no traffic lights, really, on my ride,
so I don't stop ever, and never long enough to fiddle with my lights.
I ride along and think of the energy they are wasting
not illuminating my path
nor making me visible when I’m not.
They just emit this light,
into the brightening sky.
Maybe I should change the front one,
I think, to daylight mode?, as I'm
cycling along?
I don't, though. I just cycle on.

Headwind today.
I cycled into it and didn't change my gears into an easier one,
I thought that changing down would be a weakness,
that I should be strong.
My legs were grinding too slowly around the pedals,
I've read online about how this is bad
and can cause problems to my knees and hamstrings,
but I carried on.

The final stretch, I face two lanes of cars,
normally in standstill traffic,
and at that time in the morning their headlights are still on,
not that they really need them.
They all glare at me as I trudge past,
I try not to inhale the fumes of
hundreds of stationary cars as I go.
I saw a man half way up the hill and told myself I'd beat him to the top.
I did but,
I think he was smarter than me because he was riding
in the pedestrian lane (to the right of the cycle path),
further away from the cars.

I flood my brain with these thoughts sometimes because it’s easier to do that then to do anything else.
Why do I keep the lights on,
why do I not change my gears,
why am I so renitent to look at the men driving towards me on the hill,
why do I perform these same tasks over and over and expect change,
why not preserve energy,
why carry on,
why behave in this way,
?

Tuesday, 13 November 2018

winter sun got me thinking

first -
about how beautiful it looks on buildings
and how it shines through the trees
now empty of their leaves,
which made me think about the past
and how the winter sun looked
before it made big shadows of window frames
or chair legs
in buildings,
how it looked before we made buildings
or had chairs.


secondly I thought
about killing yourself
and how I wasn't afraid to do it at all
so if anyone said they couldn't 'go on'
I'd understand suicide as a viable option.
I thought if I was so convinced
of it's merits
then why had I never followed through?
And then I thought about the winter sun
and how even though sometimes it feels
like you can't go on
or the futility of existence is such
that you can't imagine the point
I think of the winter sun,
the summer sun,
spring light,
autumn leaves
and remember
why we go on.

Tuesday, 30 October 2018

limited to but not including
limited but including
the words stuck in my head
'aint much out there to have feelings for'
from a Drake song.
Before that he says
'you're still the one I adore' 
which I'm omitting



the sight of you in that position was so reminiscent
there's no similarities really
(the colour of your skin?)
(the softness of your face?)
(the way your make up smudges itself on my glasses lenses?)
but lying there looking up at almost all of you
was reminiscent of a time when I was your age
feeling things as intensely as you are now.

Does it fade, the feeling?
Or get smaller
less invasive
more tuned
as our brain cells start to die
after we turn twenty five.

Sunday, 28 October 2018

Once I'd realised that ****** and *** sounded so similar it was hard to remember which one to say in certain scenarios. Harder still in the throws of passion when seeing was hard enough breathing was hard enough and thinking? No one was thinking. The start of the * could be mistaken for the start of the * so it was sweetly side stepped most of the time. But ****** sounds like ***** and ***** could be like *** so when the brain corrects ****** it corrects it to *** which then needs to end up at *****. All of these mental acrobatics need to be conducted under immense pressure and they make melting harder and more delicious as I float into you, **-, no, **-, no, *****.

Wednesday, 24 October 2018

'the person you love and the person that loves you are never ever the same person.'
Fred read that in one of my poems and disagreed.
He thinks love is a two way street,
a flowing river.
I cycled to work this morning and a flock of sparrows flew above my head.
I was thinking about Lucie at that moment,
I told her and she said it made her want to cry.
Can you write a love letter to your friends?
Who would I add?
Harriet, Merlin, Kath.
Lib, my number one,
Kate her number two but an equal in my eyes.
The birds, when they passed overhead, looked beautiful.
I could hear the wind in their wings.
They all stuck together so close.
I have a Frank Ocean refrain stuck in my head.
I have an image of you in my bed.
I feel like I could cross out all of the above to do that.
But not yet?

Thursday, 13 September 2018

something is brewing has brewed

(link →) I will be so happy to see you when you get back. (← link)

Wednesday, 5 September 2018

'persuasive tactics didn't work but it was nice to see her. […] she was sweet and kind. glad i went yes. sad but for the best. need to hit rock bottom and all that. she has chosen her path without me, and I cannot dissuade her out of it. Worth a punt coz then you know. Life goes on etc. […] I'm alright. Obviously running off the adrenaline and seeing her etc, the accidental touches and the purposeful ones, but London Bridge now less of a constant fixture.' 'may be the adrenaline etc but feeling rather ok about it all. Feel i have tried everything so what else is there to do? she has chosen, and i must continue to live my life. […] i mean, she didn't want to kiss me coz of her bf and that's that, isn't it? I can do no more. […] now I know I've tried it all.'

Monday, 3 September 2018

I'm not sure if it is just about cycling into the wind,
using all of your gears,
using the hardest gear and wishing there was a harder one -
surely if there was you'd just use that one all the time? -
cycling out of the wind,
counting numbers on your hand and wondering about arithmetic,
how far you have walked that day,
how many minutes you've been on your phone in the past week,
if that girl will ever call again (probably not)
and which route to cycle home - the usual or a different way?

Life is richer than all of that, isn't it?
When you look at someone you like and you think they like you
is this what you're seeing?
The little questions?
I miss my lover but it's okay because we broke up for the right reason.
That's what I've been telling myself, anyway.

Sunday, 2 September 2018

I love it when you don’t know a word,
so you dance around it,
and use more words than you should to describe something,
and I’m sitting there next to you,
and our arms are touching, 
and you’re reaching for a word,
saying three when there’s one,
and I want to say what you’re searching for but I don’t,
I just lean further into you,
and maybe someone else says it,
or maybe you find it,
and you say the punchline and we laugh,
and press our bodies closer together,
but they’re not allowed to be close,
so we spring apart and I think,
god I wish there was a word for this,
for us,
for this,
for closeness when it’s not allowed

but I don’t think there is. 

Saturday, 25 August 2018