Why I Can't Go To That Bar With You For Your Birthday

First and foremost I have nothing to wear. Not a thing. All my clothes cling to me in the wrong places and I have thought before 'if I wasn't so grotesquely overweight then maybe these clothes might not be so unflattering', so that is my first hurdle. I have nothing to wear.

Secondly, I don't really like any of the other people that are going to that bar for your birthday. There are maybe one or two I could talk to if I had to, but I definitely do not want to speak to any of the others that are going. Unless Amy comes, then it might be okay. But I doubt she would be coming. So I don't want to come because I hate your friends.

Also, the bar itself. You know I like drinking and having fun, but that bar would never be a place I would choose to go on a Saturday night. It's not that great. The drinks aren't that delicious. The girls aren't my type of girls. So I think I'd be better off if I stayed in and watched the new series of The X Factor.

And finally, the last time I went there I got told that I was in the ladies toilets (i.e., get out, you're a man), and a stranger said my friend Michael 'must be gay'. Plus, I kissed the most beautiful woman the last time I was there and I think if I went back I'd just be thinking about her, and want to leave.

So this is why I can't come to that bar with you for your birthday. I'm sorry, but I'm not coming.