LANA DEL RAY VIDEO GAMES

excerpt from 'How To Be The Worst Person In The World' or, 'that was a funny 12 months'

In late July, or even early August, 2011, I had read Caitlin Moran's 'How to be a Woman', laughed out loud on the train to work on several occasions, and had since started following her on twitter. It was around July or August, after I had started following Caitlin, that she posted a video on twitter. Lana Del Ray's Video Games. I remember it well, I was sitting in my bedroom in my parents house, I was sad and lonely and hadn't been in love for a very long time. And like all of us who heard the first six notes for the first time, I fell instantly in love with the song.

It was made better still by the haunting lyrics, fantastic video, and eerie intrigue around who Lana was, or indeed, if that was her name. Where had her lips come from? Who was the song about? It's you, it's you, it's all for you.

I played the song on repeat because I loved it so much. One morning when I was getting ready for work my mum came into my room and said 'what is this maudlin, melancholy song you keep playing?', she felt like it was my type of song, the perfect requiem for my life. She wasn't wrong. I felt everything all at once when I was listening to it. all those unsuccessful loves, all of those wasted hours on all of them. Heaven is a place on earth with you.

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, i was plunged into this relationship, it was nothing to begin with, something silly, but we plunged into it together, dived into to each other. It was after one week when I tried to hold her hand under the table in the pub and she asked what I was doing. I wanted to hold her hand, so I was. I didn't know physical affection would be so difficult. Or that she had to come out of any kind of closet.

It was a lazy Sunday morning, or Saturday morning, perhaps, and it was my turn to make the tea. In the kitchen I wanted to listen to Lana so badly, so I put her on full blast. I was used to listening to it about 10 times a day. Apparently she reverberated around the whole flat, and as I was busy adding water to tea bags, Lana had the same impression on my girl. They say that the world is built for two. Only worth living if somebody is loving you. And baby now you do.

So it became our song, sort of. When we heard it together it was a nice reminder of us, we had a little smile at each other (no touching, though, unless we were behind closed doors.) She thought of me when she heard it, it was our song. And yeah, I did do everything for her, think that heaven was a place on earth with her, and that the world was built for two and we were a good two. When I sang it to her I meant it. It's just that the song never meant that to me. It was my song that I found and squirrelled away. The feelings were transferrable, but the song wasn't, it was still mine.

When, a few months later, now 2012, I broke up with this girl and started going out with someone else (I admit, too quickly, and too unprofessionally - if my profession is being a lover/romantic etc., which I once used to believe it was. Now i'm not so sure), the song did remind me of A. It couldn't not, I don't think. It was our song, and it always would remind me of her. Post break up Lana released her highly anticipated album, which of course I listened to, loved, and found new songs to listen to, ones which had no connotations of lonely times in my parent's house, or romantic gushing times with a lover. I told A to listen to the album, post break up, because it was so good. She loved Lana, right? So she should listen to the album?

It was only when our paths crossed again and our lips became intertwined again and we spoke about Lana Del Ray that I realised a few things. The way B would look at me whenever I put Video Games on in the kitchen. She'd stare at me with those eyes, the I love you eyes, and I'd feel happy that heaven was a place on earth for the both of us. I also realised that for A, it was more than just a little love song that broke everyone's heart. It was our song, through and through. And when I asked her what she thought of the album, that I'd told her about months ago, she said she hadn't heard it. She hadn't listened to Lana once since we broke up.

So what's my point? This one song plus me plus two girls equals both of them thinking that it's our song. But it's not, really. It's my song. And it's the perfect example of how I'm the worst person in the world, and what a funny old 12 months it's been.