strange time in my life

everyone marched upstairs together
clutching water bottles, pens and paper
or notepads.
as usual we were confused about where to go.

it was a day where you should have been here too,
should have been filling your bottle up before ascending,
thinking if you'd need to take notes.

but you weren't here,
you were far away on a distant peninsular,
a whole other country with different words,
sounds,
ways.

I glanced at where you'd sat the last time we were there,
someone else was at your seat,
or it was empty;
I can't remember.
I was too consumed with the idea of last time we were there,
with your hands in my hands
and your thighs in my hands
and the words you mouthed at me when no one was looking,
words that made me look away -
too much to take in that room, right then.
they made me look away but smile, right from the bottom.

I've said before about you slipping away,
the longer you're gone the more distant you are from me,
those memories feel like a lifetime ago,
and what if that was the last time?

it's the unknown I can't bear.
I want you.
I want you close to me
closer to me
close.