pointless

before my two adventures (camping and Lebanon) i spent some time in croydon (when i think about it it was only 12 days, but felt a lot longer), and in that time i vowed not to spend any money. i'd walk into croydon (which takes half an hour), walk to friends' houses (which was never more than 45 minutes), eliminating the excruciating £2 cash fee or the £1 oyster fee for using the bus. this meant i never had to get any money out, so i was always penniless, a fate that i enjoyed, until i was crusing through the books/brick-a-brack in charity shops and couldn't buy the £1.50 commemoration mugs, of which i have a collection. (being penniless has always puzzled me, i mean literally penniless in the physical sense - not having any coins on me at all. i see girls and women who have purses full of change. i always wonder how they do this? do they pull money out of the bank when they have more than £5 in change? why is this? why not spend what you have and then get more out when there is none? i have no idea). anyway, this existence was very enjoyable for me. if i don't have any money to spend then i don't spend any money. which is the way it normally goes. (let's not forget what happens after a few drinks when you need more and you have no cash, plastic fantastic comes into play.) this paragraph is very boring, please ignore me.

but i think this way of thinking is not limited to money, for me anyway. i seem to "exhaust" (for want of a better word) most things in my life, until i have used them enough, and need to move on. why take three books everywhere with you if you only ever get the chance to read one? why fall in love with three people at once if you only have the brain capacity to compute the feelings that one person gives you? etc, etc. i do it with musical arists as well (become blind to all others), authors and poets. it's the same with food. i'd rather eat everything that i have in the fridge and the cupboard until i go to the shops to buy some more. but i think that goes back to the spending money thing, though.

anyway, remember i told you all that the poet had disappeared from in me? i think it was because i was computing too many things at once. there was too much going on for me to understand any of it. i had x y and z flowing in at unbelievable rates, so translating any of that was impossible. even by week two of my holiday i was still unable to process any of the information. but the good thing about that, about having a break, was that it allowed x y and z to combine, to transform, to merge, subconsciously, because by the end of my holiday poems were flowing out of me at a rate of knots. i didn't even have to think of poems to write, just opened my book, find the pen and it came out out out. some gems included lazy old men analogies, confusing firework connotations and past and present merging in your actions. sounds like a load of old trollop. it probably is.

my point is, that after a week of spend spend spend (i saw my bank balance and was delighted, so felt no guilt charging to my card, drawing out money) i will revert to the old ways. of course i still haven't caught a bus (once out of 8 possible opportunities), but everything else will stop. tap water and snacks from home. hopefully this will translate into the other areas - let sleeping dogs lie and think about everything as a whole. what more can i say? this was a pointless update, but as i said previously, therapeutic to write, and a great pleasure.

oh - that was it. thinking of doing a series of short stories about different characters, but somehow making them link. the girl that buys chocolates in A's narrative is the girl who B is madly in love with. or something. sounds generic, but i think it would be fun. especially for me, someone who never really talks about small characters, for me they are nothing in the web of the existence of my characters, but i think it would be good to start making them worth something, make my characters open their eyes to things that are around them. totally opposite to my statements about focussing on one thing. a good practice for all.