strange time in my life

 Dear you,

It is December now. In one of my letters I said 'In December it will have been way too long. In December it will have been not long enough. [...] Let's speak again soon.' And we did, but not enough. Now that paradox has begun, when the closer you get to something, the further away it seems. Or the slower time goes. There are only a few days left. I feel giddy with excitement about seeing you. I feel sick with nerves about seeing you. Yesterday my train couldn't leave the platform because of the weather. There was a snowstorm and strong winds. I was sitting right by the door, and the cold air was flowing in all around me. After about an hour or two, I moved to the window seat, which made me a lot warmer. But I spent hours sitting there in the freezing cold. I think this is easy to understand if you know me well. Which of course you do. This made me think, my identity has stopped in time, and another one has formed, running in parallel slightly. My worry is that when I return, these two identities will converge, but it won't be good. And of course, for everyone who saw me last, I am still that person from 18 months ago. They have not seen my new boots, shoes, etc. They do not know how I smell these days. I guess it has happened for all of you in my head as well. It is not like when we went away for 3 months and saw all of those beautiful things, mountains called cloud kisser and the like, and we came back and tried to explain. It has been much longer, and it has been even longer between you and I. I almost counted just then, but I don't want to. Do you understand? It could be easy to reduce this to numbers and statistics, but I do not want to. Almost a week of Taylor Swift in a year. 321 plays of Watermelon Sugar. These tell us nothing. What I am trying to say is, do you miss me? No, that is not what I am trying to say. What I am trying to say is, maybe tomorrow will be easier. That is not it either. What I am trying to say is, what I'm trying to say is, what I'm trying to say is. I am sorry, I really must go now. I'll see you soon, and I hope I don't cry. That's a nice idea, I guess.

- A