strange time in my life

by the time I've cycled half the way to work it's light enough to not need my bike lights,
but they stay on for the whole time.
There are no traffic lights, really, on my ride,
so I don't stop ever, and never long enough to fiddle with my lights.
I ride along and think of the energy they are wasting
not illuminating my path
nor making me visible when I’m not.
They just emit this light,
into the brightening sky.
Maybe I should change the front one,
I think, to daylight mode?, as I'm
cycling along?
I don't, though. I just cycle on.

Headwind today.
I cycled into it and didn't change my gears into an easier one,
I thought that changing down would be a weakness,
that I should be strong.
My legs were grinding too slowly around the pedals,
I've read online about how this is bad
and can cause problems to my knees and hamstrings,
but I carried on.

The final stretch, I face two lanes of cars,
normally in standstill traffic,
and at that time in the morning their headlights are still on,
not that they really need them.
They all glare at me as I trudge past,
I try not to inhale the fumes of
hundreds of stationary cars as I go.
I saw a man half way up the hill and told myself I'd beat him to the top.
I did but,
I think he was smarter than me because he was riding
in the pedestrian lane (to the right of the cycle path),
further away from the cars.

I flood my brain with these thoughts sometimes because it’s easier to do that then to do anything else.
Why do I keep the lights on,
why do I not change my gears,
why am I so renitent to look at the men driving towards me on the hill,
why do I perform these same tasks over and over and expect change,
why not preserve energy,
why carry on,
why behave in this way,
?